A picture of mom on her birthday this year in February - we were out at breakfast. I miss her....though she is here and alive...I miss her....MOM that is. Why is it so hard to see our parents age? I spent time with mom today - she came over so that I could fill her medicine case for the week. I know every pill by name...and I'll bet I can identify them with my eyes closed. She's doing well - - well as well as could be expected for someone who is 73 and in renal failure and on dialysis. She is frail...and growing older each time I see her. She looks tired...and she says "I'm tired" -- tired of getting up three days a week to get all dolled up to go and lay in a sterile bed with the smell of blood in the air, and strapped to a machine for 3 hours without being able to get up. I don't blame her...I feel her aches just by the sound of her voice when I call to check on her after each and every treatment....because I can't enjoy my day until I have heard her voice and know she is home and safe....you see my mom is no ordinary mom....no she is not! This is a woman with a excitable personality and flair for fashion like no other. She styled some of the most beautiful clothes and high heels that the first lady herself would envy. But her illness has taken its toll...and her dress shoes are now slip on leather Clarke's...because she may lose her balance. And her fistula that sticks out of her chest is no match for silk. So you see, I'm sad....I miss the woman she used to be, her loud laugh, and contagious spirit. Yet still, through it all, she has the spunk to demand her manicures and pedicures...because without them she feels naked. I cried all the way home today when I dropped her off at home, she's no longer the strong, vivacious, full of life woman I once knew just a couple of years ago....and the simple stroll to her front door, is now a slow feat as she grasps my arm so she stays balanced....and she is now quiet and reserved...and I wish I could take her and lock her in a room in my house so that time can't find her...and I just want to scream "WHEEEEEEERE IS MY MOM DAMN IT!??????"
Sweet Rose, I am crying as I read this. I feel so much like you do right now.. Where is my Mom damn it? She looked at me yesterday and said my mind doesn't work right anymore Nita...
ReplyDeleteWe think she might be getting Dementia..So does she.
I cry so much..I need her right now more than ever, and my old Mom is gone and has been replaced by a frailer version of herself. I love her more than ever beccause I realize ever second we have left is so precious.
I am here if you need me Rose..
Love Nita
P.s If I was there I would give you the biggest hug ever.
My experience with Dad was so different from yours with your Mom, that (please forgive me) I envy you. Yes! I really do! For, my Darling Rose, you have a Mom. You have those wondrous memories that right now seem to plague you with the unfair comparison with the present. And ... this is a blessing! Dad and I had no such memories. Dad's life was one of disappointments, frustrations, losses, and failures. He always felt himself a freak. He never knew a Friend (though he was liked by many.) He longed for intimacy but only knew life as an outsider. And when I confronted my mother's physician, I was able to tell him "My Dad was killed by the incompetence if this hospital and its practicing staff ... and that was OK. Because Dad wanted to die. He had no desire to be alive. But Mom wants to live ... and i am going to see to it that you do not kill her." And that doctor knew that I spoke truth. For how else could any son say such a thing about his father ... if it was not true? So, My Precious Darling, you and your Mom are blessed. Because you and she have a treasury of recollections and memories of happy and energetic years of accomplishment and rich blessings to re-visit. So, I can only suggest that you do something for her ... and yourself, that you will realize immediate joy from ... she will have moments of delight in ... and you will be able to look back on in, years to come, and celebrate. (This is something that my heart is speaking to me ... I have no knowledge of anyone else doing it ... so bear with me as we develop it together [smile].)
ReplyDeleteYou asked a question that both you and your Mom have a yearning for an answer to... "Where is My Mom?!" So ... how about finding her? Let's make a whole bunch of "packages" of memories and give them to her. You will benefit from putting them together ... she will benefit from both receiving them ... and knowing that you love her enough to do the "packaging." Make bundles of knick-knacks, photos, pieces of MOM that reflect the Her that she wants to maintain touch with ... and you want to keep fresh. Have her friends and other family members put their individual memories into this collection of Yesterday-Gifts. Don't do the traditional thing of having people express their fond memories after the One who is loved is beyond being able to share in the recollection. But make it a weekly celebration to prepare some Memory-Gift from someone who has a favorite memory ... and let your Mom look forward to her "Gift-of the Week" memory visit. I hope that this wild idea is of some inspiration and/or encouragement to you. Because my heart aches with you in your present pain ... and the discouraged pain known to your Mom. I am encouraged in the knowledge (because of what you have revealed about your Mom) that you and your Mom have tons of good stuff to draw from. (This is something that I wish that my Sweet Dad could have known in his lifetime ... alas!) So, My Precious, if I can be of any help to you in this moment of unhappiness ... just whisper your need. I love you so!!
Dear Rose,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about your mother. It's so hard to watch our parents age. My mother is 74 and has nerve damage in her back and can't hardly get around anymore and always is in pain. Your mother is too young and so is mine to be going through this. I'll keep you both in my prayers.
Hugs,
Cathie
OK ... (Yes! I know that it's 2:15 in the morning! But I have you on my Heart, and have another idea for reclaiming some of your Mom.)
ReplyDeleteHow about starting parallel life-journals with your children, yourself, and your Mom. Make them compilations of photos, journal entries that correspond to each ime period (your kids when they were born ... you as an infant ... your Mom as an infant, etc) with scrapbook items that go with that time frame. What a fun way for your Mom to recall fond memories, whilst sharing her stories with the kids, as you all do a time segment of each of your lives together. The kids will hear (and be able to ask questions about) your family story as they begin to document their own. And, of course, you will be bringing into fresh recollection and allowing reliving lots of good stuff ... in this time that is so full of yucky stuff. It will require your Mom to occupy her mind with positive things in preparation for your joint time of assembly. And, hopefully, give her a sense of her immortality through making permanent installments, into the hearts and minds of her grandchildren, lots of lovely memories (and also making them permanent in tangible form on the pages.) It will benefit the kids by demonstrating the value of each part of their development, by being involved in your story, as well as their grandmother's ... and their own.
OK, I'm going to try to shut my mind and my heart off now ... and try to get some sleep. I just have such a sense of loving urgency for you and your Mom, that it's hard to let it go. I love the sweetness of your love for you family so much! Nitie-night! (or morning [as the case surely is] {smile})
{{{{{ Rose}}}}}
ReplyDeleteDear Rose,
ReplyDeleteAs I read your words I found myself in tears and aching for what you are going through. I am praying for you and for your mom sweetie.
Hugs,
Dena
All chocked up I do under stand. My mom has been doing this for over 8 years. Had so many surgery's. She was the best mom ever.So strong and the best Southern cook in the world. I would put her up against Paula Deen any day!
ReplyDeleteYou never saw her in her gown,she was always made up and hair fixed so perfect.Today she has a wig she slips on to for for treatment and hangs on her bed post as she stays in best most of the time. sick at her stomach so much. She doesn't walk much anymore. I know it has worn her down. She wants to give up.It breaks my heart and I have to say mom you have to live to see these great grandbabies live.She was my shopping partner and my bestfriend.
I miss my my mom too.
I will say a prayer for you..your mom is beautiful!
Dear Rose, It is so difficult when we become our mother's mother. I empathize with you. Somehow a strength that you never knew you had takes over your being and you will do whatever it takes to help your mother. I remember wanting to shake my mother and tell her to come back to me. My prayers are with you and your mother.
ReplyDeleteSweetie
Oh Rose......sweetheart I'm so sorry you are hurting. Your post made me cry because I understand what it's like to really love and be close to our mum's. Please know that I am sending hugs your way, and prayers for your beautiful sweet mother....
ReplyDeleteAmanda (aka Cottage Contessa)
I was spell-bound. And knocked to me knees when I read, "I wish I could take her and lock her in a room in my house so that time can't find her..." So beautiful and heart-wrenching at the same time! I just found you by clicking on a link. But rest assured, I will be back. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteBrenda
I don't even know what to say. I am in tears...It made me think of my mom and how much I miss her. I was lucky to spend time with her this weekend. She lives eight hours away and we don't get to see each other alot. So these moments are precious to me.
ReplyDeleteHugs and many blessings for you and your mom.
Blanca
I wish I were there to offer up a big hug for you! I can totally understand what you are going through, but nothing I can say can ease that pain for you. Be strong and enjoy every possible second while you can with her.
ReplyDeleteRose, I stopped by via Nita's blog to bring a hug and a smile and found your post to read like several of my own...how I can relate. My own mother is also 73 and it breaks my heart to watch her go through the aches and pains of aging. How I wish we really could hide them away from time or in the very least, away from the suffering they have to endure. Try to find a blessing in bringing her comfort and reminding her of how special she is and how much she is loved. She's lucky to have a sweet caring daughter like you.
ReplyDeleteBless your heart Rose! My eyes are filled with tears so I'll be back later.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Sue
Dearest Rose,
ReplyDeleteTreasure each and every day-good or bad. You are such a wonderful daughter and your mother is lucky to have you in her corner. I'm amazed at your strength and ability to do it all. I feel for you dear friend because your pain is my pain. It is extremely difficult to see them slipping away, but we pray that God gives your mother more time and happy times at that. I bet she's the best dressed patient at the dialysis center. God bless her heart. If you need me just call.
Love,
Diana
Oh, my dear one I do feel for you. Five years ago my twin and I prepared my mom for death. Weffound out she had cancer and there was not hope. They gave her very little time but we got 6 months. She was the BEST!! I know it is hard but you must enjoy EACH day. Just sit and talk and hold her hand and love on her. She looks like a lovely women. She may be different on the outside but her inside has not changed. Gather all the memories you can :o)God Bless
ReplyDeleteOh Rose my heart aches for you as I read your post. The relationship with your Mom is a precious one and I;m sure you are very thankful to be close enough to help her now that the tables have turned and you are now the care giver. Watching our parents age is hard when there healthy, but when a illness speeds that process and robs them of spirit it's twice as painful. My thoughts and prayers are with you all as you deal head on with this.
ReplyDeletehugs - Karen
I have cried out the same question, Rose. Even before her death in January, I cried out, "I want my Momma back." My beautiful mother suffered with Alzheimer's for 8 years. Although she gradualy lost the ability to sew, cook, garden, do puzzles and read, we were blessed that she recognized and knew us 'til the end. In addition to the Alzheimer's, she developed ovarian cancer which claimed her life 8 long months ago. I feel your pain, as I miss my mother, my best friend and confidante, so very much. You will never regret one moment you spend being there for your Mom. It is my greatest consolation. Feel free to contact me at gbarnes05@sbcglobal.net if you need an understanding friend. God bless you and your beautiful mother.
ReplyDeleteOh Rose...I send hugs and love. My Mom is now 81 and I have seen her age so quickly this past year. She had surgery this tie last year and it took it's toll...it is SO hard.
ReplyDeleteThat picture...your Mom is so beautiful. Truly. Now, you hold those memories and share them with her...laugh with her, cry with her...for her, for you. She is blessed to have such a loving daughter and you are blessed to have her as your Mom.
I send love to you both...
Sue